Numerous research laboratories across the country have started using lawyers for research instead of rats. Why?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful.
2. Lawyers are easier to train.
3. You don't have to worry about researchers getting attached to lawyers.
4. There are some things a rat just won’t do.
Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."
His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor ?"
"There's a big fire across the street." the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to come to and think the operation was a failure."
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
A
doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor
was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer
and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked
for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send
a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly
acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken
man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon
voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid
of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds
part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man
walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where
are we?"
The man yells back, you are in a balloon, two hundred feet
off the ground."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist.
One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other
says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That’s easy.
The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely useless."
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up !" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment ?"
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over. "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked. "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest, "I got him with the door"
